Pretzels are wack–as in as not legit, unnecessary and lame. Wack is pronounced like whack (which is what I recommend doing to any pretzel not covered in chocolate), but the h is dropped to make it 20% shorter for texters (and primary users of the word).
Pretzels are straight air, carbohydrates and salt: they are not a legitimate food. If you're going to eat air, carbohydrates and salt, you may as well make it worthwhile. Try Dill Pickle Pringles or Cheetos–they actually have flavor.
A case has been made for pretzels filled with peanut butter. This is the most offensive kind of pretzel around. Why someone would combine the two driest food stuffs in existence is beyond me. You can get the same dry mouth and subsequent lip-smacking without going to the grocery store and exchanging money. Just go to the nearest playground or beach for a spoonful of sand.
There is one exception–soft pretzels–which are really just pretzel-shaped pieces of bread covered in various sweet or savory toppings. As such, they're delightful.
This post is for William, Joseph and Sophie who don't agree that pretzels are wack and who are wrong**.
**Proper etiquette requires me to invite rebuttal posts from pretzel lovers–misguided as they may be.
Monday, February 9, 2009
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3 comments:
Wow, I can't believe nobody came to my poor friend, Mr. Pretzel's defense! I'll give it the old college try.
Dry foods are amazing. It must be some sort of masochistic thing in me, but I could eat an entire loaf of bread, toasted, no butter, no jelly. Dry.
Tell me you've never started eating saltines without a glass of water, only to look down realize that you've eaten almost the entire sleeve? And then you actually contemplate opening another sleeve because, yes, dry saltines are just that good.
The pinnacle of pretzel delight would be the Rold Gold Honey Wheat Braided Twists. MAN! Rather than air, carbohydrates and salt, somehow Frito Lay, makers of Rold Gold, have used unicorn breath, honey-laden carbohydrates, and dusted them with angel freckles. Seriously, they're DELICIOUS!
The soft pretzel...though delicious, as you said, really can't be considered a pretzel, so let's just throw that argument out the window.
An entire bag of popcorn, nothing to drink? FANTASTICALLY dry. Toss in some pretzels to liven up the popcorn and I'm instantly brought to my childhood of watching Charlie Brown & his gang eating such an amazing snack for Thanksgiving.
If Charlie Brown is cool with it, so am I.
Obama/Biden/Pretzels - '08!!
I could not agree more with the pretzel bashing. Yuck.
Now there's a woman after my own heart.
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